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  • The Beaverton

    It files fictional stories of the utmost importance, informed by real events, the cultural zeitgeist, and national news media. Using a 'fake news' platform The Beaverton offers devastating insight and biting commentary on Canadian life, politics, and the world around us.

    • Woman starts new life in woods after spelling “recommend” wrong 3 times in a row
      MONCTON – Michelle Javernick, nurse and mother of two, walked straight into the lush New Brunswick wilderness this week to restart her life after unsuccessfully attempting to spell “recommend” three times. After watching a popular Netflix series, Mrs. Javernick fatefully tried to tweet “Finally saw Squid Game, highly recommend it!” The first time she typed […] The post Woman starts new life in…
    • Band reunites to play worst album in its entirety
      TORONTO – Yesterday, seminal pop-punk act The Pressgang announced the band will reunite next February to play Elipsis – the group’s objectively worst album – in its entirety. Hardcore fans of the group reacted to the news with prolonged sighs and a resigned sense of obligation.  “I hate pretty much every song on that record. […] The post Band reunites to play worst album in its entirety appeared…
    • Woman who stopped using self-deprecating humor not really funny anymore
      VANCOUVER-  Authorities and loved ones of local woman Ashley Calpeski became concerned last week when she stopped saying self-deprecating things about herself and started being no fun. “Ashley isn’t the same as she used to be,” said concerned co-worker, Darrell Qwong, “Everyone used to laugh when she’d refer to herself as an old bag of […] The post Woman who stopped using self-deprecating humor…
    • Serial Killer hoping to continue working remotely at least part time
      HILLSIDE FALLS – Local serial killer, Stanley “The Hillside Reaper” Chisolm, has reported experiencing mixed emotions regarding the reopening of workplaces, hoping to maintain work-from-home for at least part of his side gig murdering people. “I guess I just got used to it, you know? And then once I settled into the groove of performing […] The post Serial Killer hoping to continue working…
    • Grocery bag really excited to become garbage bag
      OTTAWA – A report coming from the nation’s bathrooms and under the kitchen sinks have found that your plastic grocery bag is really excited to be used as a garbage bag. “Mih Yinkd hahhs adsjj – Ptoo! Sorry, Q-tip in my mouth!,” began the off-green Loblaws plastic bag, from the garbage in the upstairs washroom. […] The post Grocery bag really excited to become garbage bag appeared first on The…
    • Dad does dad thing
      A CANADIAN SUBURB – Multiple sources are reporting that John Jackson, a local father of three, is going to spend the day performing an activity associated with his status as a dad. “I can’t wait to begin a woodworking project, address a household plumbing issue, or read a large book about the Battle of Britain,” […] The post Dad does dad thing appeared first on The Beaverton.
    • Fake doctors take brave stand against real medicine
      VANCOUVER – The B.C. College of Chiropractors, firmly rejecting the scientific method in favor of treatment by loud bone-cracking sounds, voted overwhelmingly against a vaccine mandate at their annual general meeting Wednesday night. The College, named presumably so practitioners can say they went to college, has taken a hardline stance claiming that there is no […] The post Fake doctors take…
    • Childhood home sold to lovely young numbered holding company
      BRAMPTON – Local family the Feldmans have recently sold their beloved 2-story bungalow to a charming, newly-incorporated holding company. “Our family made a lot of memories in that home,” explained daughter Jenna Feldman, looking wistfully at the SOLD sign out front, “and I hope that Principal Investment 472639 Holdings Ltd. makes just as many memories.” […] The post Childhood home sold to lovely…
    • Unvaccinated Toronto Police officers on unpaid leave told that if they wanted paid leave they should…
      TORONTO – Over one hundred uniformed members of the Toronto Police Services who have not been vaccinated have been placed on unpaid leave after being informed they did not meet the brutality requirement to access paid leave. “I want to emphasize that the vast majority of TPS members did fulfill their duty by getting vaccinated […] The post Unvaccinated Toronto Police officers on unpaid leave told…